The Guest Room

A Hong Kong blog that does a lot more than blog

Lion Rock News: Beijing to Introduce ‘Universal Suffering’ by 2017




Beijing has promised the city a more effective blanket of misery following news that Hong Kong is still the second ‘most liveable’ city in China, behind Zhuhai.

Not satisfied with 15% extra stamp duty, crowded public transport and air quality that would have choked Godzilla long before he hauled his ass ashore, the neatly-named Committee For The Establishment Of And Continuing Misery Of Former-Colonial Residents And Their Immediate Dependents, or CFECMFCRTID, has announced new measures are being considered to completely level the experience of Hong Kong life for its 7 million plus inhabitants.

“We’re going all the way,” said To To Cheuk, a representative from the Dangerous Liaisons office. “We’re looking at other cities globally to see what other problems we can import. We’ve already got Seoul’s working hours, and Beijing’s pollution, but it might be difficult to recreate the earthquakes of Tokyo and Taipei. It doesn’t mean we won’t try!”

Previous schemes have included the wholesale export of baby milk formula in return for a tide of urinating tourists, replacing all useful shops with overpriced guff that you’d usually ignore in an airport and a covert movement nicknamed ‘Occupy Hotel Rooms’.

“We won’t be happy until every pavement is impassible through the sea of suitcases, and until no English-speaking child can afford an education. Then, because we’ll be happy, we’ll probably have to make more changes until we, too, are miserable. That is what we understand by ‘Universal Suffering.’ Otherwise it’s a total mystery to us,” said To.

LRN attempted to quiz passers-by as to their views, but was unable to compete with either the umbrella shield wall or Candy Crush, described by one official as ‘the opiate of the masses. And they bloody need it!’

More terrible, terrible news to follow. Stay tuned! 

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This entry was posted on May 12, 2014 by in LionRockNews and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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