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May 26, 2014 – Obesity Epidemic Threatens to Tip HK Island
Chocolate. Chips. Candy bars. This is what YOUR kids are eating EVERY DAY, whether at HOME or at SCHOOL. Now EXPERTS have warned this could have quite literally a SEISMIC EFFECT on the jewel in Hong Kong’s crown: the island itself. LionRockNews investigates.
“We used to feed our horses in troughs; now it’s our children,” said the improbably-monikered Anne X. Pert. “It’s got to the stage where we need a steady supply of food for our most vulnerable kids. We found some who, when left to their own devices, started eating family pets.”
Anne broke into tears at this point, and had the thousand-yard stare of someone who had lost a cat, or budgerigar.
“We used to hear some horrible ‘your momma jokes’ among the children. Really bad,” remarked Annette Teacher, a NET teacher, “But now we use those jokes on the parents, about their kids! We’re that desperate. Anything to make an impact!”
Beyond the emotional scars, though, is a serious threat to everyone. Geologist Morpheus Rocks explains: “For some time now, we’ve been noticing a shift in the centre of balance of Hong Kong island. It’s basically a giant seesaw, pivoted on an axis that cuts through Causeway Bay. The more obese students attending schools in West Island, the more that pivot moves. Until finally…”
“The government really needs to start thinking about this when allocating school places,” he added, unnecessarily loudly.
So what did we discover? What recommendations could our experts provide?
“We need a counterweight,” Professor Rocks intoned. “We need a few more rugby tournaments out east, or at least a new drinking venue with comfortable al fresco dining and a wide selection of craft beers and bar snacks. And debentures should be paid in lead weight, instead of gold ingots like they are now.”
“A ginormous, heavy work of art should be dropped from above into East District, with stars and sprinkles and beautiful butterflies that the kids could play under and forget about their worries while burning off a few pounds,” said Miss Teacher, slowly withdrawing from reality before this reporter’s eyes.
“Ban all electronic devices and junk food. Compulsory morning and evening exercises. Education on the dangers of over-eating and under-exercising. It’s the only way,” Mrs Pert concluded. When asked about the children, though, she stared into a faraway distance and whispered, “Don’t leave them alone with matter.”
This has been a LionRockNews investigation (see About theguestroom.org). Obesity can be a serious health issue: nobody should ever be judged on their body shape; everybody needs to strive for better health. Keep well, god bless, and good whatever-time-of-day-it-is-where-you-are-reading-this.